it was a lovely october saturday in new york city, when i wandered out of my domicile to meet up with friends to engage in various acts of revelry and midday merrymaking. the air was cool and crisp, the trees were rustling in their leaves, and a hangover was pounding something fierce in my frontal cortex. But with much exuberance (and effort) i ventured out.
a friend of mine was visiting from chicago and we proceeded to stroll down the 5th avenue to a store called Uniqlo. you see, uniqlo had just opened it’s global flagship in the new york a week prior and they were selling jeans, mens and womens, for an alarming $9.90. that’s right: $9.90 for some quality denim (for a limited time none the less). being the thrify consumer i am, i figured, what better opportunity to stock up on the staple to every mans wardrobe than a pair (or two) of every colored skinny jean they offered for this price. 15 pairs later (yes, i bought some for my roommates too…they repaid me, i know youre concerned), i had returned home a happy man. However, i had grabbed a couple pair in the wrong size that needed returning, as was the purpose of this return voyage (no pun intended).
mischief was managed at the uniqlo and my friend josh (chicago friend) and i proceeded to a neighborhood haunt for some good conversation and a libation or two. after consuming our tasty beverages and spending the money i JUST had returned to me, we decided to go with our friend michael for a stroll in central park, for you see josh had never been.
we walked through the park, enjoying the sights and sounds of fall in the city, eventually turning back to go our separate ways. upon our leaving the park, we were greeted by a chorus (more like a duet) of ‘gentlemen’ of an extreme christian religious sect preaching aloud to passersby gospel telling of the end of days and signs of the times. we walked by not paying attention, per usual (god help you if you stopped for every crazy person saying something, you would never get anywhere), but not before they focused their attention on our group, namely me. After reciting some forgettable lyric of gospel that had been twisted angrily into an accusatory slur, they ‘gentlemen’ proceeded to shout (as i walk distinctly by them mind you) that “men wearing skinny jeans, TIGHT JEANS, were becoming more effeminate and one of the of why this world is corrupt. men wearing skinny jeans are DESTROYING SOCIETY!” at which point i did an immediate about face and loudly (shocked and obnoxiously) said, “MOI?!”
you see, in my excitement of my thrifty purchase at the Uniqlo, i proceeded to wear out a pair of the correct sized denim i had purchased to enjoy the delightful fall day. to my pleasure, they were quite comfortable, but apparently were bringing these men great displeasure. Perhaps it was the few previous cocktails, but I proceeded to ask them for my own amusement, being VERY bible literate myself, “how are men, wearing skinny jeans, destroying society? better yet, where in the good book does it say or even prophecy that skinny jeans are a sign of the end of times?” these men, of probably no higher academic intelligence than a first semester of 7th grade, proceeded to tell me that men were losing their masculinity, were becoming effeminate and weak, and were more disposed to being homosexual. he said it was also not natural for men to wear tight jeans, and that it was so out of hand that designers at fashion week were designing skirts for men and that is JUST DISGUSTING. then this ‘man of god’ proceeded to go on a tirade of expletives that i shall not repeat here.
now in my opinion what jeans a man picks to wear behind closed doors is his business, but i did convey to the man that his generalizations were a bit off, and he should research his facts better before spewing stupidity for the impressionable masses to hear. a back and forth continued and things got heated when the man at this point proceeded to get in my and my 3rd friend’s, michael, face telling us he would ‘cut off our heads and stomp on our bodies.’ “i guess that part was the footnote to the Turn the Other Cheek scripture,” was my response to that. The man pushed my friend Michael at this point, causing me to intervene to try and remedy the situation. The man tried to push me at which point i grabbed both his wrists, and said “if you dont want to get your ‘masculine’ ass kicked by a boy in skinny jeans, i suggest you stand down.” the ‘man of god’ proceeded to call me the Devil at which point i looked down at my shoes, and said “I guess it’s true, since I am wearing Prada and all.” By this point, the cops came and were dealing with the ‘wise men’.
we walked off amazed at our fortune in finding such quality humans, and amazed how so much was all started, just because of how good i look in jeans.
i am a man, i wear skinny jeans. dont f*** with me.