As morbid as it may sound, I often think of what would happen if I were to suddenly, and no doubt tragically, die. Not that I’m obsessed with my own death, or at all self obsorbed, but I wonder what public response would be. And I mostly wonder how it would all be carried out…because the last thing I would want would be to be remembered for a piece of shit funeral service. If I’m going out, I wanna go out in style.
I picture my funeral to be fairly grandiose, kind of on that Dianna wedding Charles level meets Liza wedding David Guest. Think of the ‘Helena’ music video by My Chemical Romance for the start and then just go: Rain soaked mourners all clad in black, crammed into the pews waiting for the service to begin when suddenly the double doors at the back of the hall swing open and from the speakers above comes blaring ‘Paparazzi’ by Lady Gaga. There’s no presence at the door, just darkness, but fog billows in and fills the aisle way up to the empty alter. As the lyrics start a little girl dressed in all white walks slowly down the aisle throwing sprinkles of dirt before the pall bearers, draped in long hooded cloaks, carry in a glass case. Inside the case is a bed of dirt and stones and atop the earth lay my naked form, with angelically long hair carelessly yet methodically strewn about, and my nether regions shielded only by cleverly placed orchid petals. Light pulses with each step the bearers take, in unison of course, until they get to the alter. By the 2min 47sec mark of the song, the bearers place me on the podium and light envelopes the case, radiating out, much like a star in the center of the room. The podium rotates, blinding the crowd from all angles until the light fades. Once the blinding light fades all that’s left in the case is a black crow that is released as the as the beat dies out and flies out the double doors into the darkness and fog.
A little much, you may say, but I think not. I just want the ending to give hope, because like the South, vampires and Britney Spears, I too will rise again.
Hairspray And Denim 